Isaac’s Log—Stardate: 2018.58.
The last week has been interesting.
Last Tuesday, I got up early (for me) so that Mommy and I could go to a meeting Senator Merkley was hosting at our town hall. It was largely a questions-and-answers sort of thing; everyone who went in was offered a ticket with a number on it, and, if the last few digits of your number were called, you could ask the senator a question. My number was never called, although I managed to sneak in a couple of questions after the meeting anyway. Senator Merkley came across as a fairly down-to-Earth guy; and, although I disagree with him on some things, he seemed to genuinely care about people and the issues he discussed. On the whole, I really enjoyed the meeting, and I’m glad that I went; although I had to spend the next couple of days in varying degrees of recovery for my head.
It can be frustrating when there are a lot of things you’d like to do, but you often lack the health to do them for any substantial length of time. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this whole post-concussive experience, it’s that you can’t predict the future; you can spend all the time you want planning what you’d like to do, whether that’s with your life in general, or just what you want to do the next day—but, in the end, your ability to carry out those plans may drastically change overnight. Before I hit my head, I was known for being a little hyperactive—at least as far as moving quickly, and talking quickly; which I still do (I actually might talk a little faster than before, when I’m able to talk)—and for offering my help to people whenever I had the opportunity, to the point of sometimes annoying them. And that’s something that I really miss; I miss being able to run around without hurting my head, and going out and volunteering, or just helping people in little random ways throughout the day. Since I’ve hit my head, I’ve had to learn to say, “No, I’m not feeling well enough to help you with that,” and to be happy with only getting one or two things done in a day; even if one of those things is something I would have taken for granted before, like showering. And I’m still learning to take things slowly, even if I’m feeling not as terrible as usual, and to take frequent breaks throughout the day; so that I don’t relapse. I’ve also learned that I may have defined myself too much by my usefulness (thanks, Thomas the Tank Engine, haha), and that real friends are people who will still treat you kindly regardless of how helpful or not they think you are to them.
For me, the most frustrating part of recovery has been how inconsistent my head feels on different days; one day I might be feeling well enough to get up at a decent time, and have energy to work on some of my projects, and other days my head hurts so much I can’t get out of bed until later in the afternoon. I’m the sort of person that likes to organize things, plan ahead, and generally know as much as I can about what to expect in the next day; so much so, that I frequently do the same things every day—I have “lines” (my term for OCD-related rituals since I was about five) that I do every morning (or whenever I get up), and more before I go to bed, often to the annoyance of my family. I have tried in the past to cut down on these sorts of things (for example, shortly after I hit my head, I shortened prayers that I say in the morning; and I actually have significantly cut down on the amount of lines that I do before bed over the years, although people might not be able to notice the difference), so that they don’t balloon out of control and start running my life, but right now they’re one of the few predictable things for me about whatever the next day might bring.
Despite all this griping, and feeling down about my head injury sometimes—and the unpredictability it entails—it may surprise some people to know that I am actually mostly happy most of the time; and I genuinely feel bad for most people that I meet, because quite a lot of them seem to be upset to varying degrees most of the time. I’ve never been a person that is prone to emotional extremes, whether positive or negative, and I tend to go through life feeling pretty content most of the time—it’s not that I never feel sad, it’s just that I don’t seem to feel sad as much or as often compared to other people that I interact with. Part of this may be because I’m easily made happy by things I experience throughout the day that others aren’t as much, like seeing cool lights or shadows on the ceiling, or even numbers of things, or train whistles, or other people being happy. I’ve been told that this is because I’m autistic, and therefore kind of emotionally neotenous; while I think that might be true, I don’t think that my reasons for being happy make less sense than other people’s reasons, or that I’m just sheltered from negative things by not experiencing them in the same way as everybody else. Many people seem to get upset about little things fairly easily, like someone saying something to them that they interpret as rude, or the weather being unpleasant, or accidentally spilling something and making a mess—and people are free to feel that way about things; I’m not trying to say that their feelings are less valid than mine (heck, I frequently allow myself to get worked up over little things, too; I guess the only difference is that most of the stuff I worry about isn’t actually real) —but, the older I get, and the more I learn about how terrible our world can be, the stranger it seems to me that many of us go through our lives crying over spilled milk, so to speak—if we allow ourselves to get worked up about little things, how are we going to cope when something really bad happens? We all live on a planet where loved ones die (whether by “natural” causes, or violent ones), people are raped, there are crazy natural disasters, and much of humanity is struggling to subsist without basic necessities; so, bearing that in mind, it seems silly to look for things to be upset about or offended by.
The world is a crazy, messy place, but I still have hope that things can and will get better; after all, if we don’t really believe in the possibility of a better society, and no one at least tries to make it—whether in “little” ways, like everyday acts of kindness, or in “big” ways, like writing better laws—then it definitely won’t come about, or we at least won’t get to be the ones who contribute to it. Even though life can be really frustrating—and the unexpected happens way more often than we like—our daily frustrations can make the world a better place, if we channel them into something positive.
So, the next time you have a bump in your life—whether it’s a metaphorical one, like someone cutting in front of you in line at the cash register, or a seagull pooping on your favourite jacket; or a literal bump, like a concussion, or some other injury—or even if something more major negatively affects your life, try to take comfort in the big picture. We’re all here for a reason, and even our sufferings (both great and small) can be made into something positive and redemptive.
Well, thank you for sticking with me through this brief, meandering post. I hope that the last month for you has been good. On the whole, mine hasn’t been so bad, and not super eventful—although yesterday (the two-year-anniversary of Fr. Robert dying; it seems so weird that it’s already been that long), my brother had a pretty major allergic reaction, apparently to the peanut butter; which is unusual, since it’s something he’s eaten a lot of throughout most of his life. Maybe it wasn’t the peanuts, and it’s some kind of new pesticide or something; I really don’t know, but he’s okay now, which is good. Mommy turns 39 this Friday; and, this coming weekend, she’ll be going back to spend three nights at the Tevebaughs, so that she can attend the third level of her “Healing Touch” therapy thing. There are actually a lot of birthdays in our family in March—Tami will turn 26 on the 16th, and Levi will turn 17 on the 30th. The Feast of the Annunciation is on the 25th, and Easter Sunday this year will be on the first of April (which is the first time since 1945; the next time will be in 2029).
Today’s Question: What is your favourite board game? Mine is chess.
Today’s Joke: Why do chicken coops have only two doors? Because if they had four, they’d be chicken sedans.
-Isaac““
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